The Ass Factor

The old timers of the Mediterranean island of Malta fancy themselves a canny bunch. They sit on village square benches or on the parapets outside their local churches. Nothing reaches their attention without them passing judgement on it. Their sundried foreheads crinkle with wisdom as they shake their heads from side to side, and inevitably they’ve always got the same proverb to share about some unfortunate whose luck keeps getting worse.

‘The struggling ass is assaulted by flies…’

We can all point to times in our life when we have been down in the dumps, and when everything seemed to be falling apart around us. It can happen at any given moment, and there’s little that can be done in such times, except to have resolve and stick to your strengths. It’s a moment by moment situation, where every winding blow must be taken with a pinch of salt, in order to bounce back better.

But the first step is ensuring that the head is thinking straight. That is the first step, to reach a place where decisions are taken that are free of emotion and hand-wringing hysteria, a place in which Manchester United now finds itself.

A few defeats early on in the season, and every man and his dog were dismissing them out of hand. A few called for Aloysius (aka Louis) Van Gaal’s head, claiming that he had no idea. Never mind his record, or that his side is a team in transition, desperately seeking to charter its way forward.

Like everything else, football doesn’t wait. No time for building, and no time for losers. Time is money, and everything must happen yesterday if not now.

Hysterical opinion shifts from one day to the next. But the question remains: how quickly can a struggling club transition from a season of disaster to one of success? It’s hard to provide a definite answer, since there are many deciding factors at play. Not least of which is a bit of ass, which can certainly go a long way.

Van Gaal has never coached a side in the Serie A and he would be right to assume that a team like Juventus, that often shows early and imperious form, is generally on its way to the title. But there have been some exceptions to the rule, one of which occurred during the unforgettable, yet oft forgotten, 1998 – 1999 season in the Serie A.

It was a season in which Juventus was derailed by injury to Del Piero and Zidane. Inter’s president Moratti undertook a merry-go-round of four managers (?!!!) which left Inter completely disjointed. All the buzz was about how the league title was finally bound for a city outside Turin or Milan. Film mogul Cecchi Gori had acquired and greatly strengthened Fiorentina, whilst Cragnotti and Tanzi’s respective millions were fuelling Lazio and Parma’s desire to finally get their hands on the famous shield.

Is there anyone else we’re forgetting?

Oh yes, forgive the little oversight of AC Milan.

The summer of 1998 found Il Diavolo in a situation not far removed from that in which the Red Devils of Manchester find themselves now. If United fans think that a seventh placed finish is poor, AC Milan had ended the previous two seasons in eleventh and tenth, finding themselves fortunate to have avoided relegation.

It wasn’t for a want of desire. The 1995 Bosman ruling changed football forever, scrapping the ‘three foreigner rule’. The Milan hierarchy had responded to this by practically buying a first class foreign side, snapping up the stellar Dutch quartet of Kluivert, Reizeger, Davids and Bogarde, French ace Dugarry, German guns Ziege and Lehmann, and Scandinavians Andersson and Nilsen. Swelling the ranks were also other lesser known lights of promise like Patrick Vieira, who barely got two games in the first team before being shipped out to some club in London called Arsenal.

The result of all these stupendous but hasty acquisitions was a magnificent tower of Babel that was completely lost in translation, and which fell apart the moment the season started. Milan were all over the shop, seemingly incapable of stringing two passes together. Somehow returning manager Fabio Capello managed to drag them to the final of the Italian Cup, were they surrendered a two goal advantage in the last ten minutes, with a certain Alessandro Nesta ironically scoring the winning goal for the Romans.

Following this disastrous season all of the Dutchmen had flown to the more successful pastures of Van Gaal’s Barca and Lippi’s Juve, and Dugarry and the two Scandinavians also vanished. Capello dutifully took a bow and fell on his sword, leaving AC Milan to look closer to home to restore their fortunes. Their eye immediately fell on their third placed next door neighbours: the overachieving Udinese.

The Friulani’s wily manager Alberto Zaccheroni was snapped up, together with their bomber Oliver Bierhoff (a complete unknown until his super-sub appearance in the Euro '96 final), as well as right winger Tomas Helveg. The only other additions of note were the lumberous Bruno N'Gotty (who only lasted a season) and one Andres Guglielminpietro, who nicknamed himself 'Guly' in an effort to endear himself to Milan fans, but who was immediately forgotten until he started chipping in with important goals.

It was hardly stuff to set the pulses racing, but the club was clearly set on a more pragmatic approach. Somehow I felt a bit excited about the whole thing, but not for the last time was I completely alone. This only strengthened my resolve, and whilst on holiday in Rimini I stepped into a sports shop to buy Milan’s latest strip. As he handed me the shirt the Italian shop owner looked appalled, and quietly warned me: ‘Milan has big problems’.

But they made a promising start, beating Bologna in the opening fixture and Salernitana away. Then came the first six pointer against Trapattoni’s white hot Viola, where Milan were shredded by Batistuta and co., humiliated 3-1 at home.  It was a defeat so disheartening that the blame was immediately laid on the shoulders of poor Jens Lehmann in goal, who was dropped from the side and immediately shipped back to the Ruhr valley in the January transfer window.

Every man and his dog slammed Milan after this last outing, with many deriding Zac’s unconventional 3-4-3 system.  Van Gaal would shake his head with a smile upon hearing this, for the number of times his 3-5-2 model has been rubbished at the start of this season. 

Yet instead of panicking, Zac started looking for other bodies in his team who could better fit his philosophy, placing his faith in willing youngsters like Abbiati, Ambrosini and Coco. Parallels with this approach can also be found at Van Gaal's United, with the Dutchman wasting no time in promoting the fresh faced likes of Blackett, McNair and Wilson into the first team.

A rejuvenated Milan immediately bounced back in their next tie away to Venezia, then received another kick in the teeth when they lost to Cagliari. Yet things further steadied when senior players like Weah, Leonardo and Albertini returned from injury to bolster the first team.

The returning stars played out of their skin, but each step forward seemed to be met with another slipup. Two stirring victories against Roma and Lazio were soon forgotten when Milan received a literal hiding 4-0 away to Parma. Once more an embarrassing defeat did not bring a reduction in focus. Zac’s Milan immediately bounced back in the following game against Udinese, which was the start of an unbeaten run that was as unlikely as it was surprising.

As the season wore on, Milan received another shot in the vein when midfield mastermind Boban also returned from injury, providing Zac with added quality in midfield. The then recently acquired Maurizio Ganz (who had crossed town from Inter Milan) also chipped in with some vital goals, none more crucial than the one in the closing stages of the season against Sampdoria.

The Genoan club had fallen on hard times, and needed at least a point to keep their top flight status alive. Yet Milan were now in with a chance for the title, racing neck and neck with Lazio, Parma and Fiorentina in a mad scramble towards the finish line. At the end of regular time the score was tied at 2-2, and as Sampdoria fell back to defend the draw the result appeared a foregone conclusion.

Yet in the fourth minute of added time a cross fell to Ganz whose piledriver was deflected off the backside of defender Castellini before finding its way into the net. Milan had got the win they had coveted with the last kick of the game! The rossoneri faithful were in ecstasy.

‘CULO!’ screamed the headlines across Italy the following day, but Milan did not rue their butt luck. Ahead of them stood the daunting prospect of Juventus, plus two matches against Empoli and Perugia. Yet Milan’s lucky ass had also helped to galvanise them and all three remaining obstacles were overcome with a nail-biting finish, with the title secured courtesy of a great save by Abbiati.

Results elsewhere had also gone the rossoneri’s way, and Serie A fans worldwide stared at their screens in disbelief as the scudetto ended up in Milan after all. At the end of the game Paolo Maldini was in tears, saying that it was the most beautiful league title he had won to date, given that it had been so unexpected.

The moral of the story is as simple as it is crude. It is foolhardy to kick a big club when it’s down, for you never know when it might spring back to its feet. Although Manchester United were recently on the canvas, they now find themselves back in the top four, a fact that most pundits are unable to get their head around.

Yet with no European distraction and a seasoned hand on the wheel, it is not so hard to see Manchester United as title contenders. If your Van Persies and Rooneys keep on firing and the likes of McNair and Shaw step up, a platform could be created for players returning from injury and recently acquired world stars to take United to places previously unimagined.

It will take all of their battling qualities to restore wounded pride, coupled with all of Van Gaal’s famous bull-headedness. Each game will be treated like a final, with full advantage taken of the international break to prepare for the impending clash away to West Brom.

And despite the inevitable reverses that still lurk ahead in the league, a little bit of culo should always be hoped for, and certainly never excluded.